Better Sex and Free Cars: 8 Reasons to Stop Drinking

I have written a list of reasons to stop drinking.

1.) Better Sex

I don’t know if this is actually true, but I want you to read this list, so I made it number one.  If it works for Cosmopolitan, it can work for me.  I do know, however, that drunk sex isn’t usually the best.  Sex is better when you can pay good attention to your partner’s emotional needs, and, of course, to rubbing her clitoris with the precise motion that she loves so much.

2.) I’ll Give You A Free Car

If you will promise to stop drinking, I will promise to give you a free car, Oprah-style.  Write me an email at to claim your free car.


3.) More Money

Drinking is expensive.  If you don’t drink, you’ll have more money to spend on more important items, such as cigarettes.  Think about it.

4.) Improved Health

Drinking is bad for your health.  It’s bad for your brain.  It’s bad for your heart.  It’s bad for your liver.  If you stop drinking, you’ll be in better shape for all those extra cigarettes you’re now smoking.

5.) No More Hangovers

If there’s one thing that everyone who drinks hates, it’s hangovers.  Sadly, after a night of drinking poison, your body has to recover and you will feel sick.  Once you stop drinking poison, you won’t have any more hangovers, and you’ll be able to enjoy the deserted streets and empty coffee shops on Sunday morning.

6.) No More Stress and Regrets

You will never again wake up in bed beside someone you someone you barely know, aren’t attracted to, and who, you will soon discover, you don’t like very much.  Your friends will no longer be angry at you for things you can’t really remember.  No more drunk dialing your ex.  No more drunk tank.  No more throwing up on the rug.  Like magic, all the stress from fretting, worrying and regretting what you did That Night When You Had Way Too Much To Drink will vanish.

7.) Better Relationships

Your friendships and partnership(s) will improve as you will now be able to clearly remember what you talked about last night.  You can use all the time that you used to spend partying growing more intimate and loving relationships (or smoking, it’s up to you).  Instead of telling random strangers and acquaintances about yourself, you can spend the time with good friends, reading up on the implications of re-evaluating Kantian metaphysics, and PlayStation 3.  That is to say, better relationships with yourself, your friends, and our soon to be robot overlords.

8.) More Free Time

Drinking takes time.  After you stop drinking you’ll have oodles of free time to contemplate why you no longer have any friends, and to write lists.  With more free time, you’ll be able to make more money, connect better with other people and nature, exercise, work, pet your cat, and finish that pesky revolution that’s been on your to-do list for the last twenty years.